Desperation and Dating: Is it OK to be Desperate for Love?

Of course, this flourishing begins in our families of origin and in the friendships we develop as we grow up. But there comes a time in the process of growing up when such flourishing demands go beyond our immediate family and friends.

In the case of our conversation, we noted we have jobs that support our material needs. We have family and friends who love and support us. Still, there is a hunger for more. As singles, we observed, it's easy to get comfortable in routine, to inadvertently grow inconsiderate of others' feelings, and to remain idle in our flourishing, especially in regards to traits of love: generosity, compassion and understanding.

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This is because, as adults, we live on our own. We often don't have the daily reinforcement of a person who loves us in such considerate ways that we can do no less than respond in like. Or, who, on the contrary, feels the ramifications of our inconsideration, and forces us to face the hurt our actions can sometimes cause.

How often does one remember a parent proffering the soft reminder: "You have to love your brother. You have to love your sister. They're your family?" And through those moments of scolding, we learned how to share, to be patient, to be considerate, and to also find ways to praise and celebrate the others in our life.

As we grow older, the scolding diminishes, but our need to learn how to love does not. As we enter the college and working worlds, we're faced with opportunities to love those who are not our family. How do remain as considerate in our actions without mom or dad reminding us to do so?

Helen Alvaré, a professor at George Mason Law, citing Pope Benedict XVI's proclamation to "give everyone the look of love they crave," contends that this ability to love others "begins in learning to love non-kin."

"Marriage," Alvaré says, "plays a vital role in learning to love the other" in such a way.

In marriage, one begins to love the other, not through circumstance of family surroundings, but by choice. And through the choice to take that vow, the love for the other becomes both that of lover and brother or sister. Someone who was not family to us has become family. And so, we learn to love that someone with the same commitment and resolution as our love for our siblings and parents -- we now have a person who, for better or worse, sees our successes and failures, every single day.

From there, Alvaré explains, we begin to understand that everyone we encounter, from our co-workers to the strangers in the coffee house, are someone's daughter or son, someone's brother and sister, or someone's husband or wife, and so we approach them with true consideration. How much better the environments we enter will be, when all we encounter are trying as hard as we are to "give the look of love [all] crave."

It's in that sense, my friend and I concluded, that there is a place for desperation in our searches for the love that will lead to marriage. For we recognize, to be better sisters and daughters to our family members, to be better friends to others, to be better employees, and, in general, to be a better person, we need to be drawn out of ourselves to the committed love of another. It is through such love that individuals will continue to flourish, and with it, society will flourish.

Meg McDonnell is a Phillips Foundation Robert Novak Journalism Fellow working on a project about young Americans and marriage trends.

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