In the wake of the public resignation of Goldman Sachs employee Greg Smith, The Daily Mash reports, in an exclusive interview, that the Dark Lord, Darth Vader, will step down as leader of the most evil army in the galaxy, the Galactic Empire.
"After almost 12 years, first as a summer intern, then in the Death Star and now in London, I believe I have worked here long enough to understand the trajectory of its culture, its people and its massive, genocidal space machines," said Vader. "And I can honestly say that the environment now is as toxic and destructive as I have ever seen it."
Vader's proclamation was eerily similar to that of Smith, the disgruntled Goldman Sachs employee, who also resigned Wednesday after publishing an op-ed in the New York Times. "Today is my last day at Goldman Sachs," said Smith. "After almost 12 years at the firm -- first as a summer intern while at Stanford, then in New York for 10 years, and now in London -- I believe I have worked here long enough to understand the trajectory of its culture, its people and its identity. And I can honestly say that the environment now is as toxic and destructive as I have ever seen it."
Much like Smith, Vader feels that the enterprise he devoted more than a decade to has lost its identity. Vader cites being disappointed in the belligerence with which members of the Galactic Empire sought to end the lives of innocent men: "To put the problem in the simplest terms, throttling people with your mind continues to be sidelined in the way the firm operates and thinks about making people dead," said Vader. He later added, "The Empire today has become too much about shortcuts and not enough about remote strangulation. It just doesn't feel right to me anymore."
Continue Reading Below
The world was shocked to hear the news. Vader has long been regarded as one of the most cruel, vicious figures in the universe. Not only has his popularity sparked a dozens of fake Twitter handles, each of which has gathered thousands of followers, but Vader has also had two famed Epic Rap Battles with another notorious evil leader -- Adolf Hitler. (Round 1 here; Round 2 here). Vader's leadership skills were once lauded by Geekwire for "prioritizing brutality," objective-based reasoning and his ability to manage risk and expectation.
Vader was much more than a exceptional project manager, though. Without Vader ruling the Galactic Empire, how will doctors explain borderline personality disorder? Whom will political correspondents compare villainous politicians to? With Vader gone, who can we expect to assume the throne as the most malignant, evilly inspired mind in the galaxy?
Alas, it is not for us to decide. "I hope this can be a wake-up call," said Vader in his written resignation from the Empire. "Make killing people in terrifying and unstoppable ways the focal point of your business again. Without it you will not exist. Weed out the morally bankrupt people, no matter how much non-existent Alderaan real estate they sell. And get the culture right again, so people want to make millions of voices cry out in terror before being suddenly silenced."
It's a tragedy for such an important figure to step away from what he's best known for, but we need not worry about such a capable man: The force has always been strong in this one.