The apocalypse may well be nigh. All your nightmares are coming true. No, the Archangel's trumpet haven't blown from a stance astride the Earth and the moon. No, none of those things.

This week's sign of the apocalypse: Washed-up former baseball player/professional whiner Jose Canseco has been hired by Vice.com to do a weekly column with the title "Jose Can Say So."

Yes, you read that correctly. And no, everyone's least-favorite sports personality and dunce did not gain 100 IQ points to put him in the "normal" range or go to j-school over the summer.

We can't even tell whether Vice is paying him or not, and it's nearly impossible to discern if they're being ironic or not, or if that even matters in a situation such as this.

Either way, here's the tag line at the end of Jose Canseco's new column for Vice, the first of which hit the web this week:

"Keep abreast of all things Jose every Monday with his new column, Jose Can Say So, only on VICE.com."

Canseco dedicates his first set of column inches that would have been better given to a horse with a pen stapled to his hoof or an illiterate Brit with a bloody tooth to write with to the topic of gun control (which he's, like, totally not for.) Or Second Amendment rights. Or his massive arm muscles. Or something.

We don't really know, so here's a representative sample quote from the text:

"The funny thing is I don't own any guns, but I would love to have a few-an Uzi and a street sweeper and a machine gun, maybe. I'd love to be able to carry a 9mm on me in a holster and just walk around. That'd be great. But you can't in California, the state in which I live. And that's bogus."

This is about all we can muster on the topic of Jose Canseco. Thanks for wasting a bunch of minutes of your life.