James Van Etten

NFL: Week 6 Power Rankings: Atlanta Falcons Remain Only Unbeaten

on October 16 2012 12:17 AM
NFL:  Week 6 Power Rankings: Atlanta Falcons Remain Only Unbeaten

If there is one definitive thing we can take from Week 6, it’s that only one team remains a threat to the ’72 Dolphins.

Yes, every year, the members of the flawless 1972 Miami Dolphins dust off their polyester blazers, put a bunch of champagne on ice and countdown the days until the last unbeaten team records their first loss.

The elder ‘Fins take great pride in their four decade-long stranglehold on perfection and Mercury Morris reminds anybody who will listen that they are the only residents of Perfectville.

Hey fellas, nobody cares about your 17-0 record anymore.  The Patriots went 18-0, your record has gone the way of eight-track players, valued by few.

So turn up the hearing aids, crank up the Hi-Fi and spin Bruce Springsteen’s hit Glory Days while you watch Jamie Lee Curtis in Perfect on your projector screens.

Sidenote - Does anybody else out there besides me find irony in Curtis being classified as “perfect?”  Guess we’re all just one additional set of genitalia away from perfection as well.

Detroit Lions – 5 Things Jim Schwartz And Leos Need To Salvage The Season

on October 11 2012 12:00 PM
Detroit Lions – 5 Things Jim Schwartz And Leos Need To Salvage The Season


The Detroit Lions did not start the 2012 campaign in ideal fashion, but there are five things the team could use to turn their season around.

A last-second home victory to start the year, followed by three straight losses has put the Honolulu Blue & Silver three games back in the division and looking up at everybody else at the season’s quarter pole.

Historically poor special teams combined with average defense and surprisingly inconsistent offense has both the team and their fans befuddled as many were looking forward to another trip to post-season play.

The stat geeks tell us after a 1-3 start, there is a 15% chance for the Lions to make the playoffs.  So how can the Leos help themselves and exhume this season?  It’s time to go spend some of the Slows BBQ revenue stream, Lions, so grab your AMEX card and address these needs.

Here is the shopping list edition of the Van Etten V…

I:  La-Z-Boy Recliner

Houston Texans Lead Week 5 Power Rankings: Top Teams Are Road Warriors

on October 08 2012 11:57 PM
Houston Texans Lead Week 5 Power Rankings: Top Teams Are Road Warriors

Week 5 of the NFL showed us that the game we love is filled with much emotion, both good and bad.

After an inspirational email from Colts head coach Chuck Pagano, who is fighting his personal battle with leukemia, his players responded by upsetting the Green Bay Packers and giving Aaron Rodgers the dubious distinction as the only reigning MVP to lose to two rookie quarterbacks (Russell & Luck).

Sean Payton was allowed back into the Superdome on Sunday night to see his QB Drew Brees throw a touchdown pass in his 48th consecutive game, breaking Johnny Unitas’ half-century-old record.  The Saints came back from a halftime deficit by scoring 10 unanswered points in the fourth quarter and notched their first victory of the season for their suspended head coach.

And in the worst display of humanity in the NFL this weekend, the Kansas City Chiefs fans celebrated Halloween early by impersonating Philadelphians as they booed their own starting quarterback, Matt Cassel, as he lied on the turf after suffering a concussion in the fourth quarter.

NFL: Week 4 Power Rankings – At The Quarter Pole

on October 01 2012 11:52 PM
NFL:  Week 4 Power Rankings – At The Quarter Pole

Week 4 of the NFL is in the books and the season is beginning to take shape.  Although there is plenty of football to be played, there are some trends emerging and several teams have flexed their muscles as the first quarter of the season is now in the books.

In my opinion; generating a power ranking any earlier than Week 4 is an exercise in futility.  No different than estimating the enjoyment a round of golf will provide after the first or second hole; determining the best NFL teams after one or two contests is fruitless.

That being said, we have to start somewhere, right?  Following is a top ten ranking of the NFL’s best at the quarter-pole and one or two teams on the outside looking in.

Rankings are based not solely on record, but rather stats produced and the ever debatable “eye-test.”

Just Missed:  Green Bay Packers & New England Patriots

Both these teams got the shaft from the Pee-Wee refs in Week 3 and both responded with wins to even up their records.  With Rodgers and Brady back to lighting up the scoreboard, Cheddar Nation and Minutemen will be headed back up the charts.

NFL: Detroit Lions vs. Tennessee Titans – Prediction, 5 Keys to Game and Where To Watch Online

on September 22 2012 10:50 PM

The Detroit Lions head down to the Epicenter of country music, Nashville, where the Tennessee Titans will attempt to get their first win of the 2012 season.  Although Hayden Panettiere and Connie Britton have put the capital of Tennessee back in primetime, it’s the winless professional football team that has Volunteers on the edge of their seats.


Both the Titans and Lions are coming off West Coast road losses in Week 2 as Tennessee was embarrassed by San Diego and Detroit was man-handled by San Francisco on Sunday night.


Will the Titans once again have an Achy-Breaky Heart Sunday night?  Or will it be the men from Motown who conceal Tears Of  A Clown? There are five keys to Sunday’s contest at LP Field that will most likely determine the outcome.

Pour yourself a tall glass of Gentleman Jack and break open a Moon Pie; here is The Van Etten V…

I - Lions Passing Game vs. Titans Pass Defense: