Ryan Dunn, the former MTV star of the hit show “Jackass” who died in an automobile accident Monday, wrote the following column for “Chester Country Cuisine and Night Life” of Chester County, Pa., in 2009:
I hate to ask, but am I getting old? It appears I am based on my extreme displeasure with the choice of attire the kids are opting for these days. When I say kids, I'm referring to college age and younger …let’s say 15-23. Oh boy, it’s official; I’m an old whiny fart.
When I see these hipsters happily sidestep their way into the bar gleaming with optimism, I can only assume that there are no mirrors within a ten-mile radius of their house. I don't know if it’s just a great marketing campaign launched by Spencer Gifts, Airbrush kiosks, etc … or did the Care Bears throw up on our youth?
What happened to the good ole' days of British Knights, Z Cavaricci, tight rolls and high hair? Now those were looks demanding respect from our elders! Nothing says future political leader like an arrogant 15-year-old white kid breaking out an iffy at best rendition of what he thinks is the MC Hammer dance to the smooth and eloquent lyrics of Vanilla Ice, then wrapping up his mating call with the Running Man.... Cool as ice!
I’m aware we all looked like application forms to Jim Henson growing up, it’s just a part of being a kid but pink sweat pants with juicy printed on the ass? Seriously, that’s where I draw the line. Not only is it ridiculous looking but there are parents out there splurging the money for these wardrobe eyesores and in doing so, asking each and every passerby to stare at their daughters butt! And is it just me, or is juicy the last thing you want to think about when looking at said butt? I’ve got an idea...WIPE IT! On top of it all -- they're sweat pants. Can we write a law that states sweat pants can not see anything other than the inside of your bedroom, and/or your gym?
On to the next painfully irritating eye raping, visor caps! This one will be short...I promise. The following is a fact, and in no way up for dispute....unless it’s transparent green and your playing poker in a 1980s movie or you’re currently holding a golf club, have pig tails and a vagina....you at no point in your life should ever own a visor -- let alone wear one outside.
Yet for some terrible reason, Joe P. Hipster decided in his inherent style wisdom to not only wear one, but wear it in the most illogical and horrendously ugly way possible … backwards and upside down, GENIUS!
Actually, you know what would go well with that look … maybe a nice polo shirt, ooooh, but make the Polo logo obscenely huge for no reason whatsoever and then follow it up with a nice sensible going out shoe, like say, flip flops.
You don't want to keep those gorgeously hairy and entirely gross feet to yourself now do you? We need some icing on this cake? Alright, now hear me out … this is going to be GREAT! Pop that collar dude! Now you got it Dapper Dan.
And if you have time before you stampede out the door in hopes of attracting a mate with your new frock of feathers, grab a pen … write something totally cool under your collar, like BAAAD, BOOB INSPECTOR, or just plain LONELY. There you go fella. Go get em'! (I lied, it wasn't short)
My observations have led me to conclude that people have simply given up on caring what they sleep with. Because if that wasn't the case, human population should have come to a screeching halt 10 years ago!