Butchering The English Language To Avoid Saying ‘Saudi’

Opinion

 
on April 16 2013 2:33 PM

A suspect-who-shall-not-be-named-a-suspect is not now in custody.

The nonsuspect is just sitting around a hospital, or some other undisclosed location, under heavy guard, being fully cooperative with the law enforcement officials who paid testament to his cooperation by raiding his apartment and taking away bags of material.

But newspapers with strong ties either to the Least coast, or the Left coast, whichever you prefer, want to emphasize there are no suspects in “custody.” Neither is there a connection between the suspect-who-shall-not-be-named-a-suspect and his raided apartment-that-shall-not-be-named-his-apartment.

There's only a Saudi national with his favored visa status, who's fully cooperative, and not in any way a suspect. The bystander who tackled the suspect-who-shall-not-be-named-a-suspect and detained him for police was just really happy to see him running away from the scene of the crime and being fully cooperative.

This is a normal level of cooperation for foreign student visa holders who somehow escape a mass casualty bombing with their lives. The media, taking their cues from the president, who can’t even utter the words “Saudi” and “terror” in the same paragraph, yet alone the same sentence, are waterboarding the English language to avoid the simplest, but most embarrassing explanation for the administration.

Why is it so embarrassing? Who the heck knows anymore?

Instead, we are told the Boston bombing is likely a “homegrown” incident of terrorism, according to analysts from the alphabet soup of left-wing media called ABC-NBC-CBS-PBS-NPR-AP-NYT-WASHPO-LAT, as my friend Shawn Mitchell, so aptly dubbed it.

It’s likely terrorism perpetrated by white Americans -- is there really any other kind? -- because the day the bombing occurred in Boston happened to also be known as Patriots' Day, we’ve knowingly been told. 

And we all know how evil “patriots” are. Oh, and it was tax day, too. Did I tell you patriots are evil? Good.  Because patriots have a long history of “hating” taxes.  I know, I know. Can you believe it? You didn’t understand that patriots could be so evil as to hate taxes.

In the meantime, police are looking for a man who was described as dark-skinned and who was wearing a backpack in the vicinity just minutes before the explosions.

“Investigators say they are looking for a ‘darker-skinned or black male’ and a yellow van in relation to the double blast that killed three people in Boston, Massachusetts yesterday,” IBTimes UK wrote. (The IBTimes edition comes from the safety of the United Kingdom, far from the madness of ABC-NBC-CBS-PBS-NPR-AP-NYT-WASHPO-LA media assassins.)

“The suspect, who is said to possibly have a foreign accent,” the UK outlet continued, “was seen trying to enter a restricted area wearing a black backpack and black sweatshirt five minutes before the first explosion.”

What does the color of the van and backpack have to do with this?

We all know -- thanks to ABC-NBC-CBS-PBS-NPR-AP-NYT-WASHPO-LA -- that the bombing must be the work of right-wing extremists with ties to radical, white-privilege organizations like the Boy Scouts, 4-H, the Catholic Church, or radical charter school moms.

Because white, you see, being the absence of color, is truly evil, as we have all heard from famous white guys like Al Gore and Chris Matthews. And white people, as you know, hate paying taxes. They are the only ones who hate paying taxes, though. Everyone else is a “nonpatriot,” who just loves paying taxes.

“Would you, as an expert, be thinking domestic [terrorism] at this point?” asked Matthews, based on his tax-day-mad-patriot-bomber theory. “I don’t think tax day means a lot to the Arab world, or Islamic world, or al-Qaeda in terms of their world. It doesn’t have iconic significance.” He dismissed al-Qaeda, the most prolific bombers in the world, as insignificant. 

So you can understand, just like Matthews does, that in putting together all the facts that we know, like the suspect-who-shall-not-be-named-a-suspect, his raided apartment-that-shall-not-be-named-his-apartment, the yellow van, the black backpack, the person of interest wearing a hoodie, who is “dark skinned,” the nonfly zone over Boston a la Sept. 11, why naturally you could come to the conclusion of the blended talk analysis -- better known as psychoanalysis -- and come to the only reasonable story:

Some white guy with a Budweiser cap and a John Deere belt buckle is responsible for the explosions in Boston. Here’s an idea: Who cares about the who-dunnit theories, or the cultural sensitivities of anyone, whether they call themselves patriots or martyrs?

Gather the facts and just get ’em.     

John Ransom is finance editor at Townhall.com and the host of Ransom Notes, a nationally syndicated radio show covering the connection between politics and finance.                        

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