If you've ever watched Seinfeld, you know that Dec. 23 is the day to celebrate Festivus -- a holiday for the rest of us.
One of the most important aspects of Festivus - which was invented by Frank Costanza on the show -- is the Airing of Grievances. The concept is to air out all of the grievances you've had over the past year with the people celebrating Festivus with you.
The tradition of Festivus begins with the Airing of Grievances, Costanza said, I got a lot of problems with you people! And now, you're gonna hear about it.
In honor of the fabulous holiday, I've decided to air out my list of grievances for 2011.
Overuse of the word swag
The word swag is pretty fun to say, but unfortunately far too many people have adopted it as a mainstay of their lexicon. What people need to understand is that not everything you do or say is worthy of the term swag or swagger, especially if you have no idea what the term even means. Leave the cool term to people that are actually worthy of it.
People Loudly Playing Music on the Subway
If you've ever ridden in a Subway or Metro of a major city you know exactly what I'm talking about. Many youths seemingly have never heard of headphones or simply refuse to acknowledge their existence when listening to music on Subways. It's as if these people feel the need to loudly blast Lil Wayne as their personal theme music for every poor schmuck on the Subway to listen to. I don't care what music anyone listens to, but the days of walking around with boom boxes blasting inane tunes are over -- put some headphones in.
Radio Stations Playing Inappropriate Music at Inappropriate Times
In order to commute to my office in New York City each morning, I often wake up at 5:30 a.m. or earlier. One of the most annoying aspects of this commute is when I turn on the radio and have to listen to LMFAO's Party Rock Anthem or Katy Perry's Last Friday Night at 6 a.m. on a Monday morning. Or when I have to hear Rihanna's Cheers to the Weekend at 1 a.m. on a Sunday night when my weekend has clearly already ended.
I understand that a lot of popular radio stations simply go with an automated playlist of the Top 40 songs or so, but I might go postal the next time I have to hear any David Guetta song before 7 a.m.
Chinese Food Places That Don't Give You Fortune Cookies
I feel like this one is pretty self-explanatory, but seriously -- if I'm making the decision to destroy my stomach with Chinese food, I want a freaking fortune cookie. I don't care if the fortune cookie contains the most insane saying or phrase of all time, I just need it. Chinese restaurants that don't give away the cookies should be wiped off the Earth.
People who Use Hashtags in Real Life
I understand that Twitter has become cool, but no one wants to hear you say hashtag white girl problems every time something stupid happens to you. It's the same concept of saying LOL out loud. You either laughed or you didn't, save the stupid Internet lingo for when you are on Facebook chat or AIM.
Fat People and Their Clothing Decisions
This might sound cruel, but let's be honest here -- no one wants to see an extremely obese person wearing a too tight t-shirt or God forbid, jeggings. I have nothing personal against fat people, but I just wish that more would exercise better judgment when purchasing clothes. I've seen far too many obese people wearing completely inappropriate clothing at the beach and it needs to stop. I don't pretend to be a fashion expert, but my rudimentary knowledge tells me that black is usually slimming -- maybe more fat people should give it a try.
Ron Paul's Suits and Fake Eyebrows
I find Ron Paul to be an incredibly fascinating person, but does he purposely pick suits that are horribly tailored? Every time I see the Texas congressman at a debate or at an appearance it seems like he's wearing a starter suit he got when he was 18. This is a man who has made plenty of money as a doctor over his career -- why can't he get at least one suit that fits him? Also he seems to enjoy wearing fake eyebrows during debates. 'Nuff Said.
People Still Quoting from Anchorman
Listen people we are at the end of 2011 -- it's time to stop with the Anchorman quotes. While a funny movie, it was made in 2004 and needs to be left alone. You could say the same about anyone still quoting Superbad, Wedding Crashers, Knocked Up, and every other Judd Apatow movie out there. These movies were all funny at one point, but I can assure you that no one wants to hear another Milk was a bad choice joke.
People who say Sorry, I'm Not Sorry
This one is probably limited to younger women, but it is quite possibly one of the most annoying phrases this world has ever heard. It seems that sorority girls of this generation enjoy getting really drunk, posting pictures on Facebook and then saying Sorry, I'm not Sorry. The originator of the horrific phrase appears to be a young woman identified as SororityProblem on Twitter, who has somehow convinced idiots to buy a book with the annoying phrase as its title. Although you might not be sorry that you blacked out and ate five pounds of Chinese food -- you really should.
Everything about Drake
This is probably the most self-explanatory of them all. The former wheelchair bound Jimmy of Degrassi has completely worn out his welcome in this world. Does anyone really want to hear him rap about how awesome he is and how much money he has? I understand that's a staple of rap songs, but Drake seems to execute it so much worse than many of his contemporaries.
Lack of Seating Etiquette
Whether it's in an airplane, a bus, or even a Subway -- way too many people don't seem to understand proper seating etiquette. It could be taking up more than one seat or not sliding all the way down in a row. I understand that some people simply can't help themselves when it comes to spilling onto another seat, but that doesn't make it any more pleasurable of an experience for me. If everyone could just keep to one seat or purchase another seat if they are unable to, the world would become a better place.