10. “Governor Nikki Haley is Indian? Really? Uh, Iroquois or Seminole?”

9. “If I had Mitt Romney's good looks, I could rule the world!”

8. “So what if the bulk of my support comes from 35-year-old desperate losers who still live in their parents' basement?”

7. “I can solve the illegal immigration problem immediately. How? By forcing California, Arizona and New Mexico to secede!”

6. “Tim Tebow? Oh, that boy is to die for!”

5. “Yes, I believe in God. A cruel, cold, harsh, unforgiving, big government-hating God!”

4. “The Packers? Aw, man, don't remind me, I lost $30-K on that game!”

3. If elected, I'll move the nation's capital to Buffalo to cut costs. Buffalo rocks!”

2. “Just think of me as your aging, fragile, eccentric, insane old grand-uncle that is forbidden to hold any sharp objects!”

1. “I am the true biological father of Beyonce's satanic baby.”