This Thanksgiving, benefit from the wisdom of your comedic elders. Here are ten hilarious quotes for Thanksgiving 2011, on everything from Pilgrims and the turkey dinner to getting to the adults' table and coming out on the holiday. Read our top quotes from comedians like George Carlin and humorists like Erma Bombeck.
Have a happy (and funny) Thanksgiving!
Jon Stewart: I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.
Stephen Colbert: Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America's obesity statistics. Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie, and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.
Johnny Carson: Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.
Greg Proops: Ever since you're little you hear this: 'The pilgrims left England to escape religious persecution and sneak religious freedom into the new world.' But even when you're little you're like, 'Umm.. Bullsh*t?'
Andre Kelley: This was a really, really big year for me. I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults' table. That's 'cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.
Larry Omaha: My mother won't celebrate Thanksgiving. She says it represents the white man stealing our land. But she's not angry, she figures, 'What the hell, we're taking it back one casino at a time.'
Erma Bombeck: Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.
Hari Kondabolu: I have had vegan Thanksgiving of tofurkey and soy gravy. And it's not to say that Thanksgiving will ever justify the genocide of the Native Americans. But vegan Thanksgiving -- that's just spitting on the graves, isn't it?
Stephanie Howard: My mom has a little nickname for [when I came out]. She calls it 'the Thanksgiving that Stephanie ruined.' All time is told in our family tree by this one day. I'll go, 'Hey Mom, what year did Grandpa have his heart surgery?' 'Well, let's see. The Thanksgiving that you ruined was in '92, so that means he had his surgery in '67.'
George Carlin: Have you ever noticed that you never get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.