What To Do When You And Your Partner Have Different Sex Drives?

Many of the couples today complain that they have mismatched libidos; which is the case when one person in the relationship wants more sex than the other one. They often wonder what happened to those days at the beginning of their relationship when things were easy. They met, they fell in love and having sex was an act that occurred often.

However, this honeymoon stage most of the times do not last very long. When normality and daily activities set in and couples settle into their everyday routine, any difference in their sex-drives they had before they met each other will eventually start to show.

About 15 percent of men and 34 percent of women say they're not really interested in sex, according to a recent study published in the BMJ Journal earlier this year. In fact, it can be said that the low desire in one partner as compared to the other is probably the top reason couples seek sex therapy.

When one among the two has more interest in sex and thus a higher sex drive than the other, it's easy for the person with the higher sex drive to feel rejected, unwanted and undesirable. And for the other partner, who avoids sex, would likely feel pressurized, anxious and guilty.

So, how do couples actually realize that they have mismatched libidos or do not exactly have a matching sex drive?

"Most of my couple’s clients come in because they are starting to have arguments about how much sex to have. The partner who wants more sex feels pushy for asking and rejected when they don’t get it, and the partner who wants less sex feels guilty for not wanting it and ashamed for not giving it. They are both typically very committed to the relationship and happy in every other aspect of their lives together. Sex has just become a matter where neither is getting their needs met, whether it’s special sex or about general erotic intimacy," sex therapist Holly Richmond told International Business Times.

According to researchers and therapists, several factors are capable of affecting sexual desire among couples and mostly they have nothing to do with your partner’s attractiveness. The recent study found that for both the sexes, physical and mental health had a significant impact on libido. However, they might also have other motivation to avoid sex, so it is better to ask for help.

What could be done if such a situation arises?

"Having each partner communicate their needs is the first step, and most couples try to do this on their own. Sometimes this works very well and they can make the adjustments necessary, while other times their thoughts and feelings aren’t understood. This is when reaching out to a couple’s counselor or a certified sex therapist is a good idea. Once each partner can empathize with the other’s position, progress can be made," Richmond said.

Sometimes it is easier to be more spontaneous and just do it. If you sit around and wait for it to happen on its own it might never happen. You can also try something different when it does not work out in the old ways with your partner. If you are the one more aroused give the other person space and time to be prepared.

Richmond said if people face this problem they should ask for help rather than thinking they have to solve it all by themselves. "This is the most common couple’s issue therapists encounter," she said.

She also explained that "Therapy is the most effective way to discover answers and make behavioral changes that move each partner toward their goals."