Not everyone is a sports fan. But, this Sunday, if only for the afternoon more than 110 million people will be watching the Super Bowl.
For football fans this is the highest of high holidays; the glorious culmination of what we have spent almost six months discussing, dissecting and agonizing over.
Everyone knows some fans like that, in fact, you'll probably be watching the game with a few of them. If you aren't one of those fans who will be glued to every second of the action (or if you just want to see the commercials) here are a few things to keep in mind to keep the peace on the biggest sports day of the year.
A Time to Every Purpose
Sorry ladies, but this one is usually on you.
A scene of fans watching the Super Bowl will undoubtedly involve lots of screaming, yelling, cursing and crying - depending on who is there and who is winning - but there is a time and a place.
Conversations about things not related to the game while the action is happening are rude. You wouldn't appreciate it if someone rambled about football through your favorite television show, so keep your discussions about this week's episode of Top Chef away from our football game, that's what Wednesday nights are for.
If you have to discuss the finer points of why Grayson was asked to pack her knives, move out of earshot of the television. We don't tell you about the game this weekend while you are trying to listen to Padma explain this week's quick-fire challenge.
Silence is Golden
Not to be sexist, but here's one for the men.
Don't talk for the sake of talking. If you aren't a football fanatic, that's ok, it's not a slight on your manhood. But don't try to cover your lack of specific knowledge with general bits you've picked up around the sports bar. When you start pontificating on the merits of the spread offense when the team on the screen is punting we want to pull our hair out.
When a die-hard hears that, they are left with two options: point out your mistake which makes them a jerk, or grind their teeth in frustrated silence at your foolishness. When in doubt, don't blurt it out.
Save the Diet for Monday
There are few things more American than the Super Bowl. It's our game, so much so that we have turned it into a holiday, like other holidays, gluttony is encouraged and perhaps even celebrated.
If you are hosting people for a party and there is not an ample supply of beer, pizza and wings then you may as well move to Siberia and renounce your citizenship -- you have committed a foul against America.
There is nothing wrong with being a foodie, everybody loves to indulge their inner gourmand, but not on Super Sunday. If you want to break out a crudité platter and try your hand at Mozzarella balls wrapped in prosciutto the Super Bowl is not the day for it.
And please, nothing diet except soda . . . we are trying to enjoy ourselves.
Join the Fun
Don't sit there like a bump on a log.
Sure you may not be a fan, and some of the action and finer points are confusing, but let's be honest, football fans (not the brightest bulbs in the world) can follow along so you can too. Cheer, clap, and throw yourself into the game. You'll have more fun and so will everyone else.
The worst part about watching a Super Bowl in a group of mixed fans and non-fans is that the lack of reaction by the neutrals highlights how ridiculous the others reactions are. No one wants to feel self-conscious so help out your fellow party goers and join the fun.
If everyone jumps and screams together it's a party, if half the room does it, they just look weird.
Lose the Clicker
From sometime in the early afternoon on Sunday until they start cleaning up the confetti in Indianapolis the television is for one thing and one thing only, the Super Bowl.
No Puppy Bowl, no checking in on another show during the commercials and at halftime you are going to sit there and pretend that Madonna lip-synching through her outdated hits interesting and relevant. This holiday requires total commitment.
As for the other buttons on the remote like pause and rewind, they may only be used to go back and re-watch some part of the game. They may not be used during commercial breaks, these commercials will be on so many times that they will be burned into your retina less than a week after the game ends, if you miss one wait for it to come back around or hit up YouTube.