Happy 18th birthday Google! Tuesday marks the day you, the world renowned search engine, have become a full-fledged adult. And you’re probably chomping at the bit to start doing adult things with your friends.
The International Business Times has compiled a helpful list of things people can do when they turn the big one-eight so you don’t have to even think about it. We know that you are a massive, omnipresent entity in our life capable of searching through millions of articles on this subject but we figured, what the hay, let’s make things easy for you on your birthday.
Here are 18 things you can do now that you're 18.
Buy cigarettes. They’re bad for you. Youth blogs recognize they’re bad for you in similar blog postings to this. But you can still buy as many as you want now.
Buy cigars. These are just classy and Michael Jordan -- the amazing basketball star you’d be too young to remember if you were a human -- used to smoke them on his way to Chicago Bulls home games so they must not damage athleticism too much.
Vote. Actually, just kidding, you are a company and not a person! Instead, you’ll have to settle for pumping unlimited campaign contributions into super PACs. You don’t have a vote but you can “speak” with your money, Google.
Join the armed services. This is big. Some say there is no greater way to serve your country than to join the military. Do you think you can get through boot camp, nerd?
Buy lottery tickets. And why not? Your parent company, Alphabet, is one of the most valuable companies in the world (you’re jockeying for position with Apple). You have plenty of dough to blow on high risk investments if you want.
Work full time. As if you haven’t been sneaking in 24/7/365 shifts for 18 years now!
Get a credit card. Want a new wardrobe but can’t afford it? This is a great way to make sure you’re paying off that shirt that you’ll regret having bought when you’re 25.
Get selected for jury duty. Ever wanted to have the life of an accused -- but potentially innocent -- murderer in your hands and on your conscience for the rest of your life?
Get married. And, in three years, you can get drunk-married in Las Vegas.
Go paintballing without a signature from your parents. We know that papa Sergey and papa Larry can worry a bit too much.
Buy porn. People usually just use “Google” for pornography these days but buying that first Playboy from the store is a right-of-passage for many.
Take responsibility for your actions. You may feel like a kid still but you are far from it in the eyes of the legal system.
Adopt a child. This blog says it helps you “feel mature,” which everyone knows is the first step toward actually being mature.
Get a divorce.
Go skydiving without a signature from your parents.
Change your name. Why not? It’s not like you’re an internationally recognized brand or anything.
Book a hotel.
- Turn safesearch off because you are a man now.