Khloe Kardashian is reportedly blaming herself for the end of her marriage to NBA player Lamar Odom. The pair met in 2009 and famously married after a 30-day courtship, in front of 250 guests.

But four years later, they became one of the most scandalous splits of 2013. Reality-TV star Kardashian, 29, filed for divorce in December, after months of speculation that Odom had cheated on her with numerous women and indulged in substance abuse. In November, Odom admitted to cheating, in a bizarre rap video while drunk. In August, he was arrested on charges of driving under the influence. 

“This, in and of itself, is heartbreaking and torture to my soul,” she tweeted after filing. After her split from her troubled estranged husband, Kardashian was rumored to be dating Los Angeles Dodgers player Matt Kemp. Though the two were photographed at two shows together, sources denied they were having a relationship.

Her mother, Kris Jenner, told E! about the divorce, “Khloé really is so great. She’s strong and … the good news is that she’s busy. But she’s good... She’s one of my biggest blessings. I think that when you have a tough decision to make and you finally make it, it’s always a relief to come through that process.”

But it seems now that Kardashian is faulting herself for the failed marriage. “She thinks she was too hard on him and pushed him away, when all she was trying to do was bring him closer when he was at his worst. She’ll never admit that, but it’s so true,” a source tells Hollywood Life. “It’s Khloé. It’s her fabric and it’s who she is. She really didn’t want to leave Lamar, but she had to. She had to for her soul.”