10. “With Kobe and Vanessa breaking up, and now Seal and Heidi Klum all over, I’m starting to lose my faith in humanity.”

9. “Did you guys see Miley Cyrus kissing that giant ‘penis cake’ thing? Man, whatever happened to little Hannah Montana?”

8. “Boehner’s crying jags are bad enough, but what is with that glowing orange skin of his??!”

7. “I’m gonna cross off Italian cruise vacations for Michelle and me for a while.”

6. “Newt Gingrich makes Ted Kennedy look like a God-fearing monk, don’t he?”

5. “We are making progress on fighting unemployment – after all Prince Fielder and Albert Pujols have good, high-paying jobs!”

4. “If the Iranians block the Strait of Hormuz, I may be forced to cancel my planned golf weekends with Ahmadinejad!”

3. “I will do whatever Goldman Sachs tells me to do.”

2. “I said to Sarkozy and Merkel not to bother me on Super Bowl Sunday, not even if a nuclear war breaks out!”

1 “I’m voting for Ron Paul in the next election.”