10. Thank God I've got John Travolta on my speed dial.

9. I'm going to have to quickly find some new beard, uh, I mean, wife, yes, wife!

8. Even if that harlot gets half my assets, I'll still be richer than Croesus!

7. Even I'm getting awfully sick of all this ludicrous Scientology crap!

6. Where else but in America could a mentally ill, insane, delusional, no-talent midget like me become such a big star?

5. At age 50, I figure I've got about 20 years before I get a one-way ticket to hell.

4. I sure hope the tabloids don't start making me look like some kind of crazy, insane loser.

3. Why isn't Oprah returning my phone calls?

2. If my weekly $50,000 check to the Church of Scientology bounces, I'll be in a whole mess o' trouble.

1. I'm gonna need some psychiatry... oh wait, psychiatry is evil!