"Are you on edge tonight?" Stephen Colbert asked America as one of the most remarkable and contentious elections in recent memory neared its end. The "Late Show" host launched a live special on the CBS-owned cable network Tuesday night.
The one-hour special, "Stephen Colbert’s Live Election Night Democracy’s Series Finale: Who’s Going To Clean Up This S---?" aired at 11 p.m. EST with the host's uncensored monologue streamed via Facebook Live.
The show began to roll with a dark animated comedy of a vengeful Trump wanting revenge after President Barack Obama's takedown of the GOP nominee during the State Dinner.
"No more Mexicans, no more Muslims, no more losers," Trump screams five years in the future.
Below is the full transcript of Colbert's monologue:
You don't need to stand for me. You don't need to chant my name. America doesn't have dictators... yet. Welcome to my live election night special on Showtime. I'm your host Stephen f------ Colbert... Well, here we are, ladies and gentlemen, the end of the election. Can you believe it? What a year tonight has been. Right now, the election is too close to call and too terrifying to contemplate. The yuge story is that Trump has outperformed expectations in early results. This one is a nail biter and a passport grabber. It feels like we're trying to avoid the Apocalypse and half of the country is voting for the asteroid. Can you feel it? People, are you on edge tonight? I think everyone's on edge... specifically the edge of the country waiting for Trump to win so they can walk into Canada.
But one of the moments I like most about election day — it happens every four years — and it's really kind of a sweet moment. They show on the news the footage of the candidates going to vote. For instance, here's Hillary Clinton voting for herself for president. Obviously not for the first time, but all of the others were write-ins. And Donald Trump also went to the polls today, and he made history by stepping inside a public school for the first time in his life. And, once inside, Trump cast his vote while spying on Melania's ballot. That is the first time Trump has been caught cheating off one of his wives instead of on one of his wives.
It was a really significant day for women. Are there any women here? I'm a huge fan. I love women. This is a significant day for women and not just because it's Tara Reid's 41st birthday. I'm with her. For the very first time — and this is really, really moving when you go and you see the ballot — women have the opportunity for the first time to cast their vote for a female president. And many women marked the occasion by covering Susan B. Anthony's gravestone with their I Voted stickers. I think that's an incredibly moving tribute, and I'm sure that, if she were alive today, Susan B. Anthony would say, "Help! I've been buried alive! I can hear your footprints up there, you monsters, get me out of here!" The cemetery where she's buried actually extended its hours to accommodate visitors. Oh, sure, you'll stay open for this, but when I try to cover Elizabeth Cady Stanton's grave with My Little Pony stickers I'm mentally disturbed.
One story that came out today even leading up to this election appears to be a pretty large turnout of Hispanic voters, because early voting data indicates that Hillary Clinton will benefit from a long-awaited surge in Hispanic turnout. Yes, Donald Trump promised to build a wall, and Hispanics want him to pay for it. Now, everybody should have seen this coming. Trump should never have allowed them to hold the election on Taco Tuesday. It's just not good. Latino turnout so far appears to be up in Florida, Georgia, North Carolina, Arizona, Texas. They seem to be connecting with Hillary's courageous message: "I don't think you're rapists."
Tonight, I will bring you all the results... is what it says in the thing here. I'm not sure if I will. Personally, I don't believe in red states, blue states. So, on our map, when Trump wins a state, it will turn bright orange. And when Hillary Clinton wins a state, it will be deleted. And, once again, just to remind everyone who's tuning in, we're on Showtime tonight, where naughty talk is allowed.