Taking in the “Entourage” movie felt like studying a Neanderthal cave painting in a museum. In the clean spaces of the gallery, natural light coming through and illuminating the softly painted walls, it’s easy to feel distanced from the brutal images displayed of the primitive culture. Take a seat and soak in the progress society has made since our species learned to walk upright, grow our own crops and establish civilizations. We sit opposite the rudimentary portrait, now covered in a thin layer of museum dust, and wonder what life was like before enlightenment.
Then accept the horrible conclusion “Entourage” presents: the Neanderthals are still among us and run Hollywood.
The boys are back in business when Ari Gold (Jeremy Piven) reluctantly hires his buddy Vince (Adrian Grenier) to direct and star in his first studio picture as a head executive. Vince’s manager, “but I’m a nice guy” E (Kevin Connolly), quietly ambitious and slimey Turtle (Jerry Ferrara) and a dude named Drama (Kevin Dillon) get in on the action with their own myriad of girl problems, including a baby on the way, a sex tape and a wrestling match with Ronda Rousey.
So much of “Entourage” belongs alongside the relics of a museum. The gross decadence, the laissez faire attitude towards responsibility and that the boys’ main source of conflict comes from the daily (if not hourly) search for their next conquest. The term “man-up” isn’t a charge to grow up, it’s a double dog dare to take Molly and hook up with the first chick you run into at a house party. “Entourage” is a movie about frat brothers pushing 40 (and over) who don’t reminiscence about their debauched skirt chasing days; they never grew out of them.
While the women in “Entourage” easily have the worst deal on the lot, they have to laugh at the antics of their rascally mid-life crisis dudebros, the sole pleasure of “Entourage” lies in its celebrity cameos. Liam Neeson flipping Ari Gold the finger, Bob Saget awkwardly propositioned at a party and Mark Cuban leading a chant for “film” were fun breaks to snicker at, but faint giggles does not a comedy make.
Further driving that sentiment that the boys are disconnected from present-day Hollywood, was Gold’s persistent aversion to his former assistant’s wedding. When Lloyd (Rex Lee) asks Gold to give him away at his wedding, Gold groans his disgust and later throws a childish temper tantrum for no reason other than he’s uncomfortable with Lloyd’s sexuality. Again, the only redeeming moment for the movie-long running gag was a celebrity cameo, this time it was George Takei’s remark on Gold’s obvious discomfort.
For adults looking to wax nostalgic over eight seasons of the namesake HBO show, the movie version of “Entourage” was made with fans in mind, inserting as many celeb cameos and series regulars as they could find. For everyone else, this pack of bratty wolves crying to moon about their rich white male problems is just annoying enough to call to animal control. Someone let the dogs out in Beverly Hills.
“Entourage” is out in theaters June 3.