The best and brightest comedians that Comedy Central has to offer were thrown at Justin Bieber during its 2015 roast of the inexplicably famous pop star. The roast comics aren’t known for pulling any punches and Monday night was no exception.

People have been making fun of Justin Bieber since his career began in 2007. However, last night, a group of professional comedians had the opportunity to throw some dirt right in his face on a stage in front of an audience of adoring fans and celebrities.

Kevin Hart led the cadre of celebrities including Hannibal Buress, Chris D’Elia, Jeffrey Ross, Ludacris, Martha Stewart, Pete Davidson, Natasha Leggero, Shaquille O' Neal and Snoop Dog in a tirade of jokes at the “Boyfriend” singer’s expense.

With so many talented comedians, and Martha Stewart, taking digs at the Biebes, there were a lot of biting jokes flying around last night. To help make sure you didn’t miss any, here is a breakdown of all the roaster’s best zingers from the evening. Be warned, these jokes are very NSFW.

Roast Master Kevin Hart

“Most of Justin’s fans are in middle school, or standing at least 500 feet away from one.”

Commenting on Bieber’s was statue at Madame Tussauds: “With his face down in Usher’s lap.”

“Shaq, how did you end up on the roast? They must have called up the NBA pre-game show and said: ‘give us the third funniest guy. What’s that? He’s not available? Well then send Shaq.”

“Martha [Stewart], do us a favor and put your ankle bracelet on vibrate.”

“I’m asking you to ‘belieb’ in a man who has the voice of Stevie Wonder and the driving skills of Stevie Wonder”

“Justin Bieber really ahs it all. He has a d--- and a p----“

“Now Justin, unfortunately Selena Gomez couldn’t be here tonight… Just because she didn’t want to come. She didn’t want to be here. I wish I had something better to tell you, but I don’t.”

“You’re not gangster. Orlando Bloom took a swing at you! That’s not gangster!”

Pete Davidson

Speaking in reference to Kevin Hart: “It’s an honor to be at a roast hosted by Shaq’s d---.”

“Wow Ludacris and Snoop Dog are here, if I was 38 I’d be freaking out right now.”

“I’ve been watching these roasts since I was nine and, what happened to you Jeff? You look like someone put Seth Rogen in the microwave.”

“Martha is so old her first period was the Renaissance.”

“You might know Ludacirs from your mom’s ‘Now That’s What I Call Music’ CD.”

Speaking of Shaquille O’Neal “Thanks for being here and taking a break from throwing barrels at Super Mario.”

“Hannibal Buress is famous for exposing Cosby. He’s only famous for exposing Bill Cosby. Bill Cosby hurt those women without ever caring about the consequences … that Hannibal Buress would become famous.”

“My cast mate Kate Mckinnon does a perfect impression of Justin, right down to the clit.”


“I just got married, that’s something to celebrate… And Kevin was at my wedding because I needed a small black man for my cake.”

“Shaq’s fingers are so big that every text he’s ever sent is just every letter of the alphabet at the same damn time.”

In reference to Dr. Dre: “There aren’t a lot of black billionaires except Dre and the guy who sells [Snoop Dog] weed.”

“She’s so old that if you look closely at the hundred dollar bill, you can see Martha photo bombing Ben Franklin in the background.”

“He just turned 21, but he’ll always be a baby to me since babies piss everywhere and don’t shut the f--- up.”

“It’s like you try to roll like a gangsta, but you’re not tough. I know you’ve been on Ellen 14 times.

In reference to “Ellen”: “You act like such a p---- on the show that Ellen tried to eat you.”

“Justin Bieber wants to be black so bad that he’s actually seen Kevin Hart’s movies in theaters. “

“Justin, I’m sorry for kicking you while you’re down, but since you want to be black, you’d better get used to it man.”

Natasha Leggero

“Kevin you look like someone put 50 Cent in the dryer.”

“These men combined have made millions… In child support payments”

“Kevin, you are everywhere. He is going to be on the next season of Game of Thrones. He’s going to play Peter Dinklage’s shadow.”

Speaking of Kevin Hart: “He goes up on his wife.”

“Shaquille is an Arabic word for ‘handsome’ and O’Neal is an Irish word for ‘just kidding.’”

“Ludacris, not only is your music great but I love all your movie.”

“Jeff Ross, it’s great to see you once a year at these roasts.”

“Chris D’Elia finally answers the question ‘what if Dane Cook had half the talent and a rich father?’”

“I’m excited Snoop is here. Snoop, you look like Shaq’s skeleton.”

“All these rappers on stage and Martha Stewart has done the most jail time.”

“Justin’s fan are called ‘beliebers’ because it’s politically incorrect to use the word retards.”

“Selena Gomez had to f--- you. She’s literally the least lucky Selena in all of entertainment history.”

“You’re like our Beatles. Not the band, the bugs who live in sh--.”

Shaquille O’Neal

Shout out to seeing him standing next to Kevin Hart.

“Kevin is the only celebrity with a star on the yellow brick road.”

 “Snoop made a reggae album. If you’re a rap fan you may not have it. But, if you’re a reggae fan, I know you don’t f---ing have it.”

“I haven’t seen a more disappointing lineup since the last Lakers game.”

“Jeff, how am I the one who played 19 seasons and you’re the one who looks like you took 20 elbows to the face?”

“Jeff has a body like a cafeteria lady.”

On Bieber’s egg throwing incident: “You caused $20,000 in damages. Imagine the damage you could have caused if you threw like a boy.”

“Justin has got a tattoo of Jesus on his calf. Why you got to bring Jesus into your mess? That man has suffered enough.”

Chris D’Elia

Speaking of Kevin Hart: “Keep it going for the ghost of Chris Tucker.”

“Kevin is a good guy and he’s here because he can’t say ‘no’ to anything. Last week he hosted an ISIS beheading on Reddit.”

“Jeff Ross, how about the fact that if there were no roasts, Jeff Ross would work at IKEA?”

Speaking of Snoop Dog: “You look like dead Splinter from ‘Ninja Turtles.’”

“Pete [Davidson] is the same race as whatever the f--- The Rock is and every parking attendant ever.”

Speaking to Bieber: “Why are you here this is a terrible idea. You’re about to get f---ed harder than Orlando Bloom f---ed Selena Gomez.”

“You look like Sisqo f---ed Peter Pan and then got cast on ‘Orange is the New Black.’”

 “’Baby’ is the most hated video online statistically, have you checked that out? There’s also ISIS videos online.”

Martha Stewart

“Sitting here listening to you yell your jokes for the last hour is the hardest time I’ve ever done.”

Speaking of Kevin Hart: “When he finally got his first paycheck, he spent 150 thousand dollars on a watch. I forget the term for that. It’s not ‘African American Rich.’ It’ll come to me.”

“One of the highest-rated episodes of my show ‘Martha Stewart Living’ was when Snoop and I made brownies together, and I’ve used his recipe ever since. As a matter of fact, I ate three of them right before they called and asked me to do this roast.”

“Snoop, I see that you’ve been following my beauty regimen. You’d never know that Snoop is 43 now, which is twice as long as most dogs live and twice as long as most of his friends.”

 Speaking to Natasha Leggero: “I do a lot of gardening but you are without a doubt the dirtiest used up hoe I’ve ever seen.”

“I’ve come up with a douche that no one has ever heard of — you know, like Chris D’Elia.”

Jeffrey Ross

“This is so fun, I’ve never roasted anyone with a bed time before.”

“You haven’t put out an album in three years. Come on Biebs, what are you doing with your life? If you listen closely you can hear the sound of 1 Direction f---ing your fans.”

Speaking of Martha Stewart: “Paula Deen was going to be here but she refused to sit next to this many black people.”

“Shaq was the original 2 Chainz, because that’s how he was brought into this country.”

“Shaq’s d--- is so big that he uses it as a selfie stick.”

 “Kevin, I heard your girlfriend recently got down on one knee so you could purpose.”

“Chris D’Elia is here. He’s Justin’s favorite comedian. Wow. What an endorsement. That’s like being Shaq’s favorite poet.”- to snoop “you look like a retired WNBA player.”

“The only person that’s inhaled more smoke than Snoop is Pete Davidson’s dad inside the World Trade Center… I’m sorry Shaq, I know that was your favorite building to climb.”

 “You are the King Joffrey of Pop.”

“Selena Gomez would be here but she’s dating men now.”

“Selena Gomzez f---ed this guy proving, once again, that Mexicans will do all the dirty jobs that Americans won’t.”

“Anyway Biebs, you have such a huge career behind you.”

“Even when you went to Anne Frank’s house there were people waiting for you outside. If only it was the people who were waiting to Anne Frank.

“Justin’s a-- is like a movie ticket because it’s been ripped apart by an Usher.”

Snoop Dog

Speaking to Hart: “You look good. I didn’t know the Muppets made mother f---ing clothes for a n----- though.”

“I don’t need no warm up. I’ve been smoking and drinking and I feel real good about myself.”

Speaking to Ludacris: “N----- are you a rapper or Dr. Seuss?”

 To Shaquille O’Neal: “I always said that Shaq is the greatest Laker of all time… Unless I’m chilling with Kobe Bryant.”

“Hannibal Buress, You are the only Bill Cosby accuser making money off of him.”

“Justin’s life changed when Usher heard one of his songs and liked it, which only goes to prove that Usher ain’t black.”

“Most n-----s like myself, we go a little crazy when we get famous. We buy some dope cars, f--- some bad bitches… but n-----, you bought a monkey. That monkey was more embarrassing than the one that started the AIDS epidemic.”

“You so fucking pretty that when the inmates saw your mug shot, they swiped right.”

Hannibal Buress

“It’s amazing to have Kevin Hart and Shaq here. Is this a roast or is this Tyler Perry’s “Of Mice and Men?”

Speaking of Shaquille O’Neal: “He’s the first player in NBA history to have his shoe size, IQ and jersey number be the same.”

“Snoop is like a rejected ‘Mortal Kombat’ boss.

“Snpop is good at social media, but he’s bad at music now.”

“Snoop, the only way you’ll get another hit is if you stand behind Suge Knight’s car in a parking lot.”

Speaking of Chris D’Elia: “His only vice is performing standup comedy across the country.”

Speaking of Jeff Ross: “You’re like a combination of every ‘before’ picture ever.”

“It’s good to see comedy central diversify its comedy with whatever the hell Pete Davidson is.”

“Natasha is here, which means right now there’s a bachelor party that is realizing that it’s cake is empty.”

“He started from the bottom, and he’s still a bottom.”

“I hate your music more than Bill Cosby hates my comedy.”

Ron Burgundy (Will Ferrell)

Shout out to him flicking his cigarette at Bieber.

“I’m currently over at stage 24 hosting Spike TV’s ‘Your Mother Is A Fat B----‘ award show.”

“This kid has spunk, moxy and probably a few other STDs”

“I always encouraged people to stay classy. And what’s more classy than hanging out with Floyd Mayweather?”

Would I love to see Biebs spend time with Oscar Pistorius? Of course I would, but that day will come.”

“This guy just continues to impress. Is there anything he can’t do? In fact I pulled my pants down, took a big creamy s--- in the green room because I thought to myself: ‘that’s how the Biebs would do it.’”

Justin Bieber

“Damn, you guys were brutal. This was supposed to be a birthday present. When I tell people what I got for my 21st birthday, I can tell them I got my d--- kicked in.”

“My biggest regret is probably my Maserati hitting Jeff Ross’ Saturn in the parking lot. I feel bad because, where [is he] going to sleep tonight?”

“What do you get when you give a teenage 200 million dollars? A bunch of has beens calling you a lesbian for two hours.”

“Kevin likes seeing himself on the big screen, which for him is an iPad mini.”

“I love Kevin Hart’s career plan. Do everything Martin Lawrence did but sh------.”

“Jeff, you look like the emoji you send when you want to tell someone you have food poisoning.”

“Chris D’Elia is my favorite comedian and I’m lucky to call him a friend. He brought me on stage once. It was really cool, it was my first chance to see what it was like to perform for eight people staring at their phones.”

“Luda, I feel like I’ve known you my whole life, but that’s just because you look like the Mr. Potato Head I had when I was a kid.”

“Luda and I spent a lot of hours making ‘Baby’ together. In fact, he told me it was the only baby he’s made on purpose.”

Speaking to Shaquille O’Neal: “I love you dude, but in 19 seasons how have you only made 1 three pointer? I’ve hit more people with my car.”