10. As part of the divorce settlement, Vanessa demands child custody, $50-million and that Kobe kiss Shaquille O'Neal full on the lips.

9. Vanessa wants to trademark the term “stupid, vapid gold-digging bimbo.”

8. Kobe will now be free to aggressively pursue the one true love of his life – Derek Fisher.

7. Vanessa and Kobe will not let their messy divorce prevent them from enthusiastically campaigning for Ron Paul for President.

6. Kobe has been corresponding with OJ Simpson on how to improve his image.

5. Kobe has it written into his contract that Spike Lee is not allowed to be within 1000 miles of him at any given time.

4. Vanessa has been taking a course in typing at a secretarial school “just in case.”

3. As soon as his NBA career is over, Kobe plans to run for governor of Colorado.

2. It turns out that Kobe has been working free all these years.

1. Kobe's fondest wish in life is to top Wilt Chamberlain (if you know what I mean).