North Korea may not have had much success with its missile launches lately, but perhaps there is another military technology the Communist regime should look into: unicorns.
According to official state media, archaeologists at the History Institute of North Korea's Academy of Social Sciences have uncovered “the lair of the unicorn.”
And this isn’t just any old regular run-of-the-mill unicorn. Supposedly, this unicorn was ridden by none other than King Tongmyong, founder of the Koguryo Kingdom (277 B.C.-A.D. 668).
But don’t take the word of the decadent American media about this important archeological find. Why not read straight from the always reliable Korean Central News Agency?
“Korea's history books deal with the unicorn, considered to be ridden by King Tongmyong, and its lair,” according to the official KCNA. “The Sogyong (Pyongyang) chapter of the old book 'Koryo History' (geographical book), said: Ulmil Pavilion is on the top of Mt. Kumsu, with Yongmyong Temple, one of Pyongyang's eight scenic spots, beneath it. The temple served as a relief palace for King Tongmyong, in which there is the lair of his unicorn.
The KCNA added, "The old book 'Sinjungdonggukyojisungnam' (Revised Handbook of Korean Geography) complied in the 16th century wrote that there is a lair west of Pubyok Pavilion in Mt. Kumsu.”
The North Korean media out said the unicorn’s lair was discovered “200 meters from the Yongmyong Temple in Moran Hill in Pyongyang City. A rectangular rock carved with words ‘Unicorn Lair’ stands in front of the lair.”
And, as we all know, if the words “Unicorn Lair” are written on a rock somewhere, then there’s no way you can doubt that. That’s just science.
The KCNA maintained that the discovery of the unicorn’s lair "proves that Pyongyang was a capital city of Ancient Korea as well as [the] Koguryo Kingdom,” apparently giving North Korea an even greater sense of manufactured legitimacy over South Korea.
Of course, this probably doesn’t need to be stated here, but there is currently no scientific proof of the existence of unicorns. So please try to keep that in mind before defecting to North Korea, OK?
Eric Brown is an IBTimes reporter who eats far too much pizza. He is a graduate of Mercer University in Macon, Georgia, and currently resides in Brooklyn.