One of Jared Loughner's favorite books, according to the 22-year-old Arizona assassin's YouTube profile, is Gulliver's Travels. So, my theory is that Irish satirists put him up to it.
My theory is at least as valid as the cyber-hokum we're being fed by the American left and the American right, who started playing their foul tunes almost before the wounded made it to the hospital following Saturday's bloodbath at a Tucson shopping center.
Instead of a moment, the White House should have suggested a week or a month of silence.
Not that it would have made much difference to the verbose vampires on either end of the political spectrum.
(Yes, I said vampires, as in creatures who suck human blood. See paragraph two.)
In that marvelous book by Jonathan Swift, two parties are at each other's throats - indeed, they go to war - over which end of the egg should be cracked. It was the Big-enders versus the Little-enders. Apparently, it still is.
Paul Krugman, from the know-it-all left, tried to lay blame for the attempted assassination of Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords, and the horrific murder of six innocent bystanders, on the mean-spirited rhetoric of right-wing gasbags like Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck. And other lefties went after the Wasilla Wisecracker herself, Sarah Palin, because she had backed Giffords' Tea Party opponent in the last election and used a firearms metaphor to make her point.
The right wasted no time in striking back. Byron York, apoplectic with indignation, prefaced his defense of Mama Grizzly, Papa Walrus and the rest by reeling off every left of center group he could possibly connect to President Obama, going back to the Weather Underground and Saul Alinsky. Hey, why not Trotsky and Robespierre?!
That is, while pretending to be offended that Krugman wasn't showing respect for this tragedy, York ground his own political axe about 20 times over.
Then there's Pamela Geller, who reviles the lefties for implicating the righties, then at once calls Loughner a leftwing pothead admirer of Hitler.
She compiled this brilliant analysis by combining what was said about Loughner by a former friend, who admittedly had not seen nor heard from the shooter in over three years, with the inclusion of Mein Kampf on that YouTube favorite books list and the fact that Congresswoman Giffords is Jewish.
That Hitler was about as far to the right in politics as one can go doesn't faze Geller. She immediately points out that, nowadays, lefties are the anti-Semites. And she bases this conclusion on, well, nothing.
Which is, I guess, the beauty of the blogosphere. You don't have to make sense. You don't need a brain. Just fingers.
It's not Palin's fault. It's not Obama's fault. It's not Limbaugh's or Alinsky's or Beck's or Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf's fault.
It's the fault of Jared Lee Loughner. He thought it over. He took the cab to the mall. He pulled the trigger.
In Washington, politicians are talking about dialing down the rhetoric. Yeah, right. Everyone's going to play nice now? Of course, they should. But it is really more likely that Orly Taitz will be named to the Supreme Court, or Antonin Scalia will be elected president of NOW.
And media pundits are asking if this is a wake-up call. Perhaps you haven't noticed but there's a wake-up call, or two or three, just about every news cycle.
The light is on. The coffee's burnt. The kitchen's empty.