President Barack Obama is preparing to deliver a speech this week laying out his plan to stimulate job growth. Obama is under extreme pressure after the Bureau of Labor Statistics reported last Friday that the economy added zero jobs in August.

10. “Hey, if anybody’s looking for a cushy, high-paying, do-nothing job, I know a certain goofball Vice President who I’m gonna can any day now.”

9. “Look, I gotta hurry this speech up, I've got $10 bucks ridin’ on Green Bay tonight.”

8. “What John Boehner wants, John Boehner gets!”

7. “Who said a political science degree is worthless? Look where it got me!”

6. “I can sleep like a log every night knowing that Kim Kardashian will never have to worry about money.”

5. “One more S&P downgrade and Michelle, the kids and I will moving into a Ramada Inn!”

4. “I’m getting awfully tired of those drunken, tearful, middle-of-the-night collect phone calls from Al Gore.”

3. “Believe me, I’d LOVE to ‘outsource’ Biden to The Philippines!”

2. “Being unemployed really isn’t that bad. It’ll give you the opportunity to catch up on ‘Gomer Pyle’ reruns! That Sergeant Carter always cracks me up!”

1. “What do you mean ‘why am I wearing a Rick-Perry-for-president’ button’?”