Jimmy Kimmel had the ballroom at Washington Hilton roaring with laughter at the White House Correspondents dinner, but the comedian had tough competition from another major speaker.
After a performance last year in which he roasting Donald Trump and the birther controversy about his birth certificate, President Barack Obama did not disappoint at the annual dinner that brings together Hollywood and the Beltway. The President took shots at GOP rival Mitt Romney, the Secret Service scandal, the press and his alleged love for dog meat. Kimmel poked fun at the the election, party rivalry and Lindsay Lohan, who was in the room.
Who did you think was funnier? Here are the best jokes of the evening:
- I do have a lot of jokes about the Secret Service. I told them for $800 I wouldn't tell them, but they only offered $30.
- You know, there's a term for guys like President Obama. Probably not two terms.
- Jay [Carney] is not only press secretary. You also know him as the white guy from every Lens Crafters commercial. One of Jay's jobs is to keep track of all the Hilary Rosens.
- On newspapers: What's black and white and read all over? Nothing anymore.
- I think John Wilkes Booth was innocent. I don't even think it was an assassination. I think Abraham Lincoln had a vision of what the Republican Party would become in 150 years and he shot himself.
- Are the Fox News people laughing, or did Rupert Murdoch hack into all my jokes already?
- On the Fox News mole: Leaking to videos doesn't make you a mole, it makes you a freckle.
- On Chesley Sully Sullenberger: Sully, do you mind doing us a favor and driving Lindsay Lohan home? As long as you don't drive into a goose - a Grey Goose.
- On John Boehner, who was a no-show at the dinner: Don't take it personally. He was probably afraid someone would ask him to pass the salt and he wouldn't have the votes.
- To me, Ron Paul looks like the guy who gets unhooded at the end of every Scooby Doo episode.
- On Current TV: Al Gore launched in 2005 and it took off like a North Korean rocket.
- It's great to be in this vast Hilton Ballroom. Or what Mitt Romney would call a fixer-upper.
- Even Sarah Palin is getting back into the game ... What's the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull? A pit bull is delicious.
- Seriously guys, what am I doing here? I'm President of the United States, and I'm opening for Jimmy Kimmel? I have the nuclear codes. Why am I telling knock-knock jokes to Kim Kardashian?
- Four years ago, I was locked in a brutal primary battle with Hillary Clinton. Four years later, she won't stop drunk-texting me from Cartagena.
- There's no one out there linking to the kinds of hard-hitting journalism that HuffPo is linking to every single day. And you don't them pay them, which is a great business model.
- On Mitt Romney: We both think of our wives as our better halves, and polls show to an alarmingly insulting extent, the American people agree.
- I had a lot more material prepared, but I have to get the Secret Service home in time for the curfew.
- The White House Correspondents Dinner is known as the 'prom' of Washington, a term coined by political reporters who clearly never had the chance to go to prom.
- Newt, there's still time, man.
- Also, this video, which was played during Obama's stand-up (via the Daily Beast):