With Halloween rearing its ghoulish jug-head right at us, the pressure is on to concoct the perfect costume that says “this getup is hilarious, but I bet you didn’t know I found it nestled in the back of the Salvation Army and I’m fairly certain its previous owner was a homeless person with gout.”
If you’re an adult, patching together a cheap and offensive outfit is half the battle. The other is getting properly sauced so everyone around you, yourself included, thinks you’re some sort of Halloween costume savant.
By all means, drink a whole case of Natty Light, but if you’re trying to class Halloween up and put on the façade that you’re a mixology-loving adult with a tincture of class, then here are some cocktails that will leave you drooling in a pile of half-eaten Snickers at the end of the night while your kids say, “But Mommy, you said you were Snow White, not a zombie.”
Let’s face it: punch isn’t going away anytime soon. Popularized in such locations as Jonestown, your kid’s last birthday party (sans alcohol, of course), and your 20th high school reunion, punch, especially when boozy, is like the flu vaccine of adult Halloween parties—it gets the job done fast, not to mention is god dang delicious. Make no buts about it: pumpkin and cinnamon punch sounds spectacular. Flickr/ twm1340There’s little doubt in our minds that most of your friends aren’t “The Walking Dead” fans. Knowing that they can’t get enough of those ghouls and their suppurating pustules, hit ‘em with Spellbinders to satisfy their zombie cravings. Sure, cherries as eyeballs sounds childish, but you’ll be inundated with creativity points by the end of the night. Plus, the recipe was designed by Emeril Lagasse, and there’s no one more terrifying than Emeril with his garbled speech.Flickr/...Love MaeganSo your Halloween party is a classy one, and your well-heeled guests aren’t into body shots. Their loss, obviously, but there’s no way a martini won’t hit their spot. Just remember to throw some goodies (candy corn, Hershey Kisses, spent shell casings should all do) into the bottom of the glass to bring your ostentatious guests back down to earth.Flickr/ Mike BurnsSay your guests don’t have a flare for the showy stuff (or fun) on Halloween, that maybe they come dressed as a devil or a cat or something hackneyed like that and they thumb their nose at everyone who took more than three seconds to think up their costume. We all know a few, and they probably will act no better to your punch with cherries as eyeballs and marshmellows as fingers than they will to your Juggalo costume. If this is the case, that even on Halloween they have a stick really far up a certain area, then a Bloody Cosmo--creative enough to get a half-smile, not gaudy enough to repel-- should do the trick. As they walk away, Bloody Cosmo with cyanide in hand, roll your eyes at them; it’s what they would have done to you if you had rebuffed their efforts to talk about impressionist art on Halloween.Flickr/ ralph and jennyNobody likes spiders, ever, but the “Drunken Spider” looks D-licious. Licorice as spider legs—YOU MY FRIEND ARE A HALLOWEEN GENIUS! Now drink three of these…in one sitting.Flickr/ Roy Montgomery
