Sports Illustrated model Chrissy Teigen seemingly had it all: A thriving career, loving marriage and Luna, her healthy 11-month-old baby girl. But Teigen carried around a “painful” secret for months. For the first time, the wife of John Legend talked about her struggle with postpartum depression, which is a type of depression that happens to some women after they have baby.

Postpartum depression affects one in nine women, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Depression. Symptoms include crying too much, feeling angry, being afraid of hurting the baby, feeling withdrawn from the baby and/or feeling guilty about not being a proper mother or being able to care for the child efficiently.

People with depression can get better with treatment. If women experience any of these symptoms, they should see their primary care physician.

In Teigen’s case, the 31-year-old became a recluse, slept on the couch, sporadically cried and felt physical pain. “Most days were spent on the exact same spot on the couch and rarely would I muster up the energy to make it upstairs for bed. John would sleep on the couch with me, sometimes four nights in a row. I started keeping robes and comfy clothes in the pantry so I wouldn’t have to go upstairs when John went to work. There was a lot of spontaneous crying,” she wrote in an essay for Glamour Magazine, which is due on stands March 14.

When Luna was 8 months old, Teigen and her husband went to see a doctor. “Before the holidays I went to my GP (general practitioner) for a physical. John sat next to me. I looked at my doctor and my eyes welled up because I was so tired of being in pain. Of sleeping on the couch. Of waking up throughout the night. Of throwing up. Of taking things out on the wrong people. Of not enjoying life. Of not seeing my friends. Of not having the energy to take my baby for a stroll,” she said.

Teigen’s doctor diagnosed her on the spot. Despite her struggle with mental illness, she hopes to grow her family with Legend, 38. “I love John and Luna more than I can imagine loving anything and John and I still hope to give Luna a few siblings,” she said. “Postpartum hasn’t changed that.”

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